Welcome to the Critical Hit! My name is Adam Long and I’m a movie fan. I’ve been watching them my whole life and I’m pretty opinionated about them.

The point of these reviews will be to spark up a bit of discussion about the movie at hand. So be aware that these will be filled with spoilers. We want you to see the film, read my review and then participate in the discussion on the forums. For my first I’ve chosen a classic franchise that has recently released a new addition to itself. So be sure to check back at CheastMasters.com to see my reviews on summer’s films.

Before I begin the first edition of the Critical Hit, let me warn you that I generally LIKE the movies I see. Its fairly rare that I’ll go plop down $8.50 to see something that I don’t really want to waste my time or money on. With that said…so begins the adventure.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Indiana Jones is a classic character that’s over 26 years old! I should know because Raiders of the Lost Ark came out the year I was born. This franchise has made a lot of people fans of the Indiana character, thanks to Harrison Ford, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. I’m included in that category. I love the Raiders, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and especially Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Needless to say I was excited about this movie.

I’ll start with the performance of the actors. I’m a HUGE critic on actors. I know a lot of them and even married one so I tend to be critical of the “posers.” Harrison Ford is not a poser. He’s the read deal. He’s made so many good characters great with his acting. Indiana Jones is one of his best.

For Kingdom though, Ford was hit or miss. I was not thrilled with him at the beginning of the film. He acted very old and tired. Then when they would splice in his stunt double acting like Indian from Raiders, it was just too much. My suspension of disbelief was rising to my limit and FAST! Later in the film he seemed to get into the Indiana character again, especially whenever he was talking about history or making fun of Mutt. The scene with the big stupid rubber snake was silly and over the top but it was exactly how Indiana would act. “Call it a rope!” Overall Ford did a pretty good job with his reprisal of Indiana Jones but I thought he could have done better at times. What do you think of Ford’s reprisal of the Indiana character?

Cate Blanchett did not disappoint me. Her Soviet Russian, Irina was great. I loved her accent and her sternness in the role. It always helps an Indy film to have a good looking evil girl in the mix, wouldn’t you agree?

John Hurt as Ox was a disappointment. I felt like this character was below his level of acting and a waste of his time. I’m sure he did it to be apart of the franchise but seriously, the character gave him no room to do his thing. What are your thoughts on Ox? Think I’m way off base there?

Karen Allen didn’t do much for me either. Not only was she not in the movie for half the film but she barely had any lines! Her character went from hate to married with Indy in around a 24 hours and yanked my suspension of disbelief even closer to its limit. What did you think of Marion returning, hating Indy and then getting married at the end? It was a nice way to end the movie, of course but it seemed a little silly for them to not have done that a long time before.

Shia LaBeouf. As Shia, your name baffles me and your acting leaves me indifferent. It seems Hollywood loves him because he’s not quite a hunk and not quite a nerd but somewhere in between. Ok, whatever, I don’t see it, nor do I care to. What I care about is his acting because that’s what I have to see and when I look at Shia, I don’t see it. Harrison Ford is a good actor, Shia LaBeouf is a mediocre one at best. I am a huge fan of Transformers but even in that Shia didn’t impress me. What did you think of Mutt? I thought Mutt was an alright character but Shia just hasn’t showed me anything great yet.

So there are my thoughts on the actors and their performances. Everyone else in the film did a fine job in their secondary character roles. Give me your thoughts on the acting.

Next up is the plot. This is a big one! You remember my complaints about my suspension of disbelief nearly hitting its mark? The plot didn’t help that at all. First we have a random group of teenagers weaving in and out of a Comi Caravan, headed to Area 51 to steal an Alien’s body. Fine, I’ll go along with it but what was the point of the teenagers and secondly, what were the CGI gofers all about? Am I crazy that this stuff bugged me? It was just so pointless.

Now that the Comi’s have infiltrated Area 51, the most secretive U.S. military base in the world, they have free reign over the entire place. Seriously Lucas? If it were that easy then everyone in America would be speaking Russian right now! That bugged me. Again, I have to mention the stunt Indy acting like the Raiders Indy mixed in with Kingdom’s older Indy. It just doesn’t work for me. My suspension of disbelief just can’t take it. Props on showing the damaged crate with the Ark of the Covenant in it, wasn’t that kool?

Now Indy finds himself in the middle of a Nuke Test site and has to survive. To do this he jumps inside a lead lined fridge that gets shot a mile away where he lands safely near one of the stupid gofer holes. I loved this part (except for the gofer part) because it felt a lot like something out of the Indy series.

From here on the plot introduces some history and Mutt and lots of plot forwarding activities that are very Indy like. I can honestly say that I enjoyed the rest of the film. It was somewhat predictable but still enjoyable and cheesy, which is a must for an Indy film.

The jungle scene was great too! I loved the chase through the jungle in the jeeps, all of it. It was well choreographed and fun to watch. The sword fight between Mutt and Irinia on the separate jeeps was great. Did you think so too? When Mutt was separated and pulled a Tarzan with all the monkeys I was giggling and thought it was silly but it sorta fit. The red ants that apparently love to eat Comi’s was great too. I liked that part a ton. It screamed Indy franchise.

However, after the Ants came the three waterfalls. This brought my suspension of disbelief to its max. I was about to break now. What about you? Did you think it too much to have three fatal falls from waterfalls?

Now we’re near the end of the movie and o what does Lucas do to wrap up it up and send me home with a smile on my face? He confirms what I’ve been dreading the whole movie. The Crystal Skulls are alien skulls, come to ancient Earth to give us society changing technologies. Wait, they were just explorers like Indy. They were archeologists who were fascinated by the history of Earth. Ok, I’ll sorta buy into that.

Then we meet the aliens or rather their skeletons which are still alive after the missing skull is returned. The room wakes up and so do the aliens. The curious Russian babe gets her brain fried and the alien merge together and become alive again…riiiiight. Now their UFO which is in some old Aztech pyramid begins to take off. Yeah, didn’t steal that from Stargate did ya George? Seriously, by this point I just want the movie to end because I’m not happy. I’ve been duped by Lucas again. He pulled me into see another Indy film and instead of some archeology quest he finds aliens, how lame. Am I the only one who slapped their forehead when the UFO taking off scene was going on?

Now the day is saved. Indy calls Mutt Jr which makes me chuckle but I’m still pretty unhappy. Indy and Marion want to get married even though they haven’t been in each other’s lives for 20 some years and this leads us to the wedding finale. The I do’s are said and Indy walks down the isle. Indy’s hat is shown on a hat rack near the door. A gust of wind catches it and sends it flying to Mutt’s feet. He looks at the hat, picks it up and nearly places it on his head when Indy snatches it from his hands and puts it where it belongs. I seriously almost cried when Mutt picked the hat up. If he would have put the hat on I would have left then. I was just waiting for Indy to walk up and say “That looks good on ya Jr.” Thankfully, Indy took his hat and gave Mutt a look that said “MINE!” Am I alone on this? Was anyone else scared by that moment?

Cue John Williams and his awesome score. So there you have it. I wasn’t a fan of Indy and Kingdom of the Shiny Aliens. It was a lame plot with some good action, some mediocre acting as a whole and a lame plot. Did I mention the lame plot? What do you think? Was the plot lame to you? Were you happy with it?

I think another reason that I was so critical of this movie was because it had a lot to live up to. The first three Indy films were pretty fantastic. Yes, their plots were stretching it and they were pretty cheesy but still, aliens? That’s the best Lucas could after almost 20 years?! Wow, I’m not sure I can trust another Lucas film after this one and the Star Wars prequels. We’ll have to see. I may have to see the new Clone Wars just to get the discussion going.

So, after each review of mine I’ll list my recommendation. I’ll either give it a Go, meaning to see it in the theater or I’ll give it a Rent which means to wait for the DVD. Lastly, if it’s that bad, I’ll tell you to Pass on it all together.

Over all, Crystal Skull gets a Rent from me. It wasn’t bad enough to pass all together but it’s not necessary to spend money in the theater, unless you want to take part in our discussion here. It was an alright action flick that I may have loved if not for it being part of the Indiana Jones franchise. Perhaps if it was some stand a lone movie on its own the plot would have been more up my alley. Sadly, I can’t buy into Indiana Jones and the aliens that taught us how to farm. Sorry Lucas, you’ll have to do better to live up to the Last Crusade.

Thanks for reading the first edition of the Critical Hit. I hope to hear your discussion in the forums soon! Till next time, be watching for those Critical Hits, they’re deadly.

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