Did you miss me? I realize this edition is a day late, but hey, those orphans aren’t going to throw rocks at themselves! Nah, I’m just joking, I was busy with family things. Thanksgiving-related family things. And when your family is part of a satanic cult that worships turkeys and sacrifices babies to the turkey Elder God “Gobblegor”, it gets a bit hectic. Kidnapping babies is more time-consuming than it sounds.

Oddly out of place for the season dark comedy aside, coming up with something to write about in these glorious, perfect columns isn’t always an easy thing to do. Unless you’re me. And since I’m me, there are no issues then. Last week I told you about how my friend and I terrorized a hapless soul over Xbox Live in Call of Duty: Black Ops. You probably haven’t heard of it, but it’s a first-person shooter from Activision. Well, this week I will spin a tale about my monumental first ever midnight release for a video game!

I’ve been gaming for as long as I can remember. I was born with a Game Boy clutched in my hands, and I would not let that doctor cut the umbilical chord until I lost my Tetris game. Since I have been gaming for so long, it is kind of strange that my first midnight release actually took place this month. In fact, it was for Skyrim.

Having never been to a midnight release before, I was understandably nervous. My palms were sweaty. My knees were weak and my arms were heavy. There was vomit on my sweater already–hooker blood. In summary, I was feeling anxious about attending this spectacle, and I didn’t really know what would go down. How many people would show up? What should I wear? What if I’m asked to dance? These questions raced through my head a mile a minute. I threatened with a gun asked my little brother to come with me, to hold my hand, in a literal figurative sense.

As the clock drew nearer to 12, we were both brimming with anticipation. However, he fell asleep. The brat. We were both so excited, and then BAM!, he’s out like a light. Annoyed about having to go by my lonesome, I shuffled out the door and hopped in the van (or as my dad calls it, “The place where I conceive my babies”). I drove to the nearby GameStop (which isn’t so nearby) with a broken heater that blasted frigid cold air in my face the entire time.

I arrived with 20 minutes left until midnight. I swung by Wal-Mart, located across the street from the GameStop, and bought these delicious microwavable sandwiches. I love them and they make a fantastic breakfast for someone as lazy and unmotivated as myself. I then headed across the road back to GameStop and stepped inside.

I was amazed at how many people were there. I knew Skyrim was a big deal, but damn. There were a few closet nerds standing in a corner, muttering to themselves, and then there were the normal people (I fall into this category. I’m normal. Shut up) that were casually getting their hands stamped and confirming their pre-orders at the counter. And then there were the total nerds that were adorned in Skyrim-centric clothing, or in the case of one gentleman in particular, an entirely latex blue suit.

After I finished paying for my game, I thankfully saw familiar faces from high school. I migrated to them and stood by them, mostly staring at a wall and interjecting in the conversation with the occasionally expertly timed and perfectly executed joke. I didn’t even realize it, but I apparently cut to the front of the line by standing by them. Holla holla!

I started to feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin. Yeah, there was a lot of odd people there, but hey, I kidnap babies and sacrifice them to a turkey Elder God named Gobblegor. Who am I to judge? I began surveying the room beyond the people, taking note of the disgusting mixture of blood and semen that adorned the walls (reminded me of Christmas at my place) and the GameStop employees that wouldn’t look out of place working at Gringotts. Nah, I kid. Except for the GameStop employees part. That part is mostly 100% accurate.

As I stood in line, a very weird kid blew in a conch. It rang through the GameStop like a loud blowhorn. He then proceeded to run up and down the store, wailing his arms and screaming at the top of his lungs, “SKYRRIIIIIMMMM!” These are the kind of people we share our nerd culture with. Remember that.

Sex. This guy has none.

Well, I got my game and returned home. I spent the night playing Skyrim and working on my many Skyrim guides (READ MY GUIDES, READ MY GUIDES, READ MY GUIDES). My brother was still asleep on the couch. I forgave him for abandoning me on our quest to retrieve the game at the midnight release, and I went to bed at around five in the morning.

I woke up and found out that my brother ate my sandwiches. My wonderful, delicious sandwiches that I only got because I went to the midnight release by myself and I braved the ice cold air that nearly turned me into this lady from Jason X:

Sex. This guy probably gets at least a little.

>=/

I got him back, though. Ha, let’s see you play football with no legs, bro!